This just in: Worlds Most Powerful Democracy Taken Down by False Voter Registrations

It was reported today that the United States of America was brought to its knees by the mighty swords pens of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN). ACORN is better known as the Soviet Islamofascist Terrorist Union (SIFTU which is pronounced shutthefuckup). SIFTU/ACORN is a neighborhood based organization which advocates for the poor, minorities and the disenfranchised. One of their efforts is to register voters. This is thought to have led to the complete destruction of Democracy in the United States of America. It is not fully known how this actually took place but it is clear that the United States is now a proto-Communist state. A spokesman for SIFTU/ACORN, who would only identify himself as Mickey Mouse, suggested that a functioning democracy could only have so many registered voters living below the poverty line before it imploded. “Our sophisticated computer models showed that we were just shy of the tipping point at which time a democracy would crumble” said Mickey Mouse. “By creating millions of false voter registrations and securing ridiculous home loans for billions of poor minorities, we were able to bring down the United States of America.”

The former United States of America will now be known as the Soviet Faggot Community Organizer Commie Land Brotherhood of Abortionist America Inc (SFCOCLBAAI pronounced sanfranciscococklabiashutthefuckup)

This just in: Bitter Old Coot Afraid of Composed Black Man

Condescending Bitter Old Coot Afraid to Look Directly at Composed Presidential Black Man

Tries to Give History Lesson Due to Lack of Any Vision for the Future

Last night a bitter angry John McCain smirked condescendingly for ninety minutes while repeatedly quoting dead people.  Seemingly afraid of Barack Obama a very un-presidential McCain repeatedly returned to his bottomless reservoir of hate and bitterness.  This observer was heard to remark “I think he has diaper rash.”

This just in: McCain being held hostage

Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain is Being Held Hostage by John McCain

It is being reported today that John McCain was taken hostage by John McCain sometime during Wednesday night. John McCain is holding John McCain in a location which campaign officials authorities have asked us not to disclose. The location is thought to be a place where the Democratic Process is suspended indefinitely due to a continual state of “9/11.” “I will hold John McCain hostage until such time that the polls swing back in my favor in this election” said John McCain while holding a gun to John McCain’s chest (his arms can’t go any higher). “Even if it takes a hundred years or a thousand I will not release John McCain until the Palin…err..umm…McCain/Palin ticket is capable of winning this election. I know how to win elections and I will take John McCain to the gates of hell if that is what it takes to win this election.” John McCain then added “What time is it? 9am? No wonder we’re so sleepy, we’ve been up for two whole hours John. John McCain and I are going to take our nap now so get off our lawn.”

Nothing was heard from either John McCain for over two hours until 11:21am when a phone call was made to Secret Service headquarters in Washington D.C. Apparently one of the John McCain’s requested that adult diapers be provided for the other John McCain.

This just in: D.C. Clown Has Trouble Multitasking

This just in: John McClown, a Washington D.C. Insider of Twenty-Six Years Has Trouble Multitasking, Can Only Juggle One Ball At a Time

It is being reported this afternoon that a very old D.C. clown is now unable to juggle more than one ball at a time. It is also believed that he is fully incapable of making a single balloon animal as well. McClown, pictured in and out of make up below, would like to cancel or postpone all future appearances until he is done juggling the one ball.

One Ball McClown

"I can juggle this many"

Now in makeup

John McClown in makeup just before postponing an appearance

It is unclear what other tricks he is capable of or if he just intends on continually juggling the one ball over and over again.

This just in: Religious Extremist At UN

Armed Religious Extremist Waltzes into UN With a Gang of Lipstick Wearing Pigs

Today, in New York City, a religious extremist, carrying a moose hunting rifle, waltzed into the UN with a number of swine in tow. The religious extremist and the pigs were all wearing hot pink lipstick. It is unknown at this time what or who the religious extremist represents or what demands she might make. However, it is rumored that she will demand that just over 50% of voters in the swing states suspend their disbelief until November 5th 2008.

No pictures are available at this time due to a near media black out.

(hat tip to Betty Cracker via Rumproast)

This just in: One Billion People Turn Out to See Palin Stroke a Giant Tube of Lipstick

One Billion People Turn Out to See Sarah Palin Stroke a Giant Oversized Tube of Lipstick

According to the Palin/McCain campaign, one billion people turned out to see Sarah Palin in The Villages, Florida this past Sunday. This new estimate came after conflicting reports came out yesterday. The Palin/McCain camp put the crowd at 60,000 while local media and officials said it was closer to 25,000. “It is obvious that we underestimated just how many people came out to see Sarah” said a campaign official on Tuesday morning. “Sunday was the first time that Sarah was seen with the giant oversized tube of lipstick and this was an obvious draw for millions of people. We now estimate, actually it is entirely accurate, that there was just over one billion people in The Villages on Sunday.”

The campaign had Sarah Palin fondle an oversized tube of lipstick, to the strains of the Billy Squire song The Stroke, instead of giving the same speech for the sixty-seventh time since the RNC convention (Billy Squire is suing the campaign for its unauthorized use of his song).

Stroke the lipstick, stroke

stroke the lipstick, stroke it

After stroking the rabid crowd into a lipstick induced frenzy she then applied the hot pink rouge to her own lips. After which she did the same to a full grown pig. Palin then hoisted the pig onto her shoulders, for all to see, and the billion strong throng went wild. Sarah then put the lipstick laden pig back on the stage and proceeded to shoot it in the face with her moose hunting rifle.

The pig just before being shot in the face.

The pig just before being shot in the face.

She then tore the still warm carcass apart with her bare hands and fed the pig flesh to the hungry masses.

See Related Stories:

Florida Most Populous Place On The Planet For a Day; Rest Of World Depopulated

The Villages, Florida Fire Marshall Still Puts Crowd Estimate At Around 25,000 Even After Being Threatened With a Giant Oversized Tube Of Lipstick

Hundreds Infected with Trichinosis In The Villages, Florida

(lipstick stroking Palin pic via Rumproast who got it from the Orlando Sentinel)

This just in: John McCain Released From Psychiatric Hospital

This just in: John McCain Released From a California Psychiatric Hospital

John McCain was released today, after spending the night at Coldwater Canyon Psychiatric Hospital in North Hollywood, to the custody of two adult males. One of the men, pictured below telling McCain that he is a “good boy,” is thought to be his best friend.

"No kissing in public John."

The other is simply being characterized as “one of the biggest assholes in the world.” The asshole is pictured below hugging a grateful McCain after his release from the psychiatric hospital.

"This is how you raise the roof Mr. Short Arms. Can you raise the roof John?"

It all started on Friday morning when a disoriented and belligerent John McCain was found on the front lawn of Walter Reed Middle School in North Hollywood, California. He was chasing students and faculty around and yelling at them to get off his “goddamn lawn before I get my pitbull out you little sons a bitches.” “Students were screaming and crying, even teachers were scared of that crazy gray haired man” said the visibly shaken Principal.

The lawn of Walter Reed Middle School where John McCain was found chasing after and screaming at students and faculty.

The photo below, of a maniacal McCain, was taken by a retreating student using a Black Berry. Of course we all know the Black Berry as “the miracle brought to you by John McCain.”

A rampaging John McCain.

John was subdued by a quick thinking janitor who rattled his keys at McCain until he lay prone on the ground. He then hit John over the head with a mop handle until he was unconscious. “I’m no hero” said the janitor “I thought he was going to hurt one of the students or teachers. If he had been a little faster and if his arms weren’t so short and nearly useless I think he would have caught one of them. I just did what I had to do before he went and got that pitbull he kept screaming about.”

John McCain was then taken away in a straight jacket and a muzzle to nearby Coldwater Canyon Psychiatric Hospital in North Hollywood. He spent the evening there heavily sedated and under armed guard.

John McCain, seen here in front of Walter Reed Middle School in more tranquil times.

It is thought that Senator McCain will be tied to a bed in an undisclosed location until at least Monday.

(Links to related stories will be forthcoming. Stay tuned for updates as this story unfolds.)