No you don’t…..continued

“So you want to open a restaurant? No you don’t” continues with a how to lose weight plan:

How to lose 30 pounds, look great and feel like shit.

Step 1: Decide to open a restaurant
This must be done when you are overweight by at least 20 pounds. Do not attempt this diet if you are at your preferred weight or underweight.

Step 2: Go ahead and begin the process of opening that restaurant
–There will be an endless amount of crap to do and free time will be at a premium
–Begin spending more time speaking to your contractor or city agencies then anyone else you know including friends and family
–Drink more alcohol and coffee and sleep less
–Start bumming cigarettes from everyone you see who smokes (remember when you “quit”)
–Stop eating proper meals and start eating at odd times of the day (you are rarely home and the kitchen at the restaurant is a construction zone)
–Eat loads of junk food
–Go to nice restaurants and drink bottle after bottle of wine, beer or sake and call it research for your super awesome restaurant
**At this point the restaurant probably seems pretty cool. You get to play architect and designer and chef and all sorts of fun stuff along with some of the crap. But prepare yourself for you are about to enter the bowels of hell.

Note: If done properly, all of the above may actually result in a slight weight gain (don’t worry you will lose it later).

Step 3: Finish the one million tasks which go into opening a restaurant
–Begin to panic and stop sleeping pretty much all together
–When you do manage to fall asleep you should have nightmares about things like the restaurant burning down (god I wish it had burned down, that would have been so awesome)
–Start eating less but drink even more than before (still researching?)
–Smoke more cigarettes (oh yeah, you are now buying your own packs of cigarettes because you started to feel bad about bumming so many from other people… not only are you overweight but you are a smoker again as well (congratulations asshole)
**At this stage you might have lost a few pounds but nothing major due to your alcohol intake and continuing research. You will also notice dark bags forming under your eyes, and your personal relationships will really begin to suffer. You taste food all day but eat very little because you a.) don’t have time b.) are too nervous to eat c.) are repulsed d.) would prefer to smoke e.) oh shit something just went wrong and you have to go fix it (all answers are correct). So you might be losing some weight now but not a ton because of all the drinking and “testing”.

Step 4: Open the restaurant
–Go into full panic mode–the first night you should be literally shitting yourself: what if no one comes? what if tons come? what if we suck? what if no one likes it? what if I just threw a few hundred thousand dollars down the toilet on my stupid restaurant dream so that I could become a glorified line cook?…..stupid asshole
–After the place is open for a few days you will begin to notice that you are a daily victim of Murphy’s Law. This is normal for a restaurant so try not to feel like a martyr.
–Drink water, beer, and lots of coffee instead of eating
–Stop sleeping altogether if possible (you will wish that you slept enough to have nightmares)
–Spend every minute at the restaurant
–Smoke constantly
**Your head will be swamped with a thousand things and your body will begin hurting everywhere. You will find yourself unable to pay attention to what your friends and family are saying because your mind wanders, and you are so damn tired but there are a million things to be done and the knot in your stomach will keep you from eating. The ironic thing is that you are surrounded by food and other people eating your food but you can’t bring yourself to eat any of it except for apples for some reason. This doesn’t help with your stress related diahrea by the way. But it does help you to shed those unwanted pounds.

Step 5: Get a glowing review in the New York Times after you have been open for a month

–Repeat Step 4 but as a suddenly busy restaurant with an instant reputation to uphold
**At this point you can’t comprehend anything outside of your restaurant world. Your friends don’t make sense any more but you now wish you had their 9 to 5 job and a pay check at the end of the week plus benefits (it is so excellent being your own boss…fuck you). At this point apples are even hard to stomach and beer just gives you gas. You become convinced that you can live off of Tums, cigarettes and the fat molecules floating in the air of the kitchen. You accept that 3 hours of fitful sleep a night is all you are going to get. You chain smoke and drink coffee by the pot. Then one day, about two months after opening the restaurant, you get on a scale and realize that you are 30 pounds lighter than when you decided to open that “dream” of yours….congratulations again asshole.

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